I know it's been a while since I have posted. Life is crazy as many of you know. A little update about my crazy life: I have been babysitting an 8 month old baby girl. Her parents work in the medical field and have still had to work during this quarantine, so they were in need of childcare! I have learned a lot about babies and what being a mom is going to feel like. I now know I am going to be an awesome mom, but I also know I am not quite ready to be that awesome mom. I'm learning a lot about myself. Also, my spring semester finally came to an end after scrambling to get my final projects submitted (I truly am a procrastinator). I had a one week break, and then my summer class began. WHOOO! Additionally, I was driving on the highway last Saturday and a truck towing a boat lost one of the boat's large cushions with a wooden bottom that flew back and hit my windshield. The picture above is my own car. Thank God it hit the passenger's side, thank God I did not swerve, and thank God it did not come through the windshield and knock me out. So I have been on the phone with the insurance company and repair shops all week. Stressful. Toss into the mixture some attempts at dating, more relationships coming to an end, more heartache, oh yeah and an ex boyfriend leaving for Iraq telling me he still has feelings for me. It's been crazy.
These last few months have been rough for me, as I know they have been rough for so many. Maybe due to everything going on in the world, and maybe due to other things. Regardless, these past few months, and weeks specifically, have been tough. I don't know about you, but I do not do well with uncertainty. And I feel nothing but uncertain. Uncertain when I will go back to work, uncertain about my car and my finances, uncertain about my health and the health of my loved ones, and uncertain about what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to go next. I like control. I like knowing what's coming, preparing for it, and having a plan set in place. I like to know the end goal, and basically the end of the story. What I am coming to find, is that I do not get to know the end of the story all the time. And I don't really like that.
This uncertainty has been causing me a lot of anxiety and panic. I feel like I am out of control and all over the place. And I am! I don't have control. There is so much uncertainty and I can do nothing about it. For a control lover, that's really hard to accept. But this is the season I am in: the season of uncertainty. This is the hard lesson I have to learn. How to be patient, how to let go of control, how to be still and wait, how to be okay without knowing what is coming next. I think God probably put me in this exact place with these exact circumstances because I need to learn this lesson.
So I'm deciding to embrace this season of uncertainty. I'm deciding to move forward into the unknown, trusting God completely, and ready to not be ready for whatever is coming. Whatever is coming, I know my God can handle it and will be with me every step of the way. And that is my prayer through this season. That God would show up in ways I didn't know were possible, and in ways I wouldn't get to see had I not been in this season. My prayer is that I would grow; that I would get to know myself better and get to know God better, and that I would not miss whatever blessings and lessons I can get out of the waiting because I was rushing to get to the end goal.
I know there will be many tears to come, but I am also excited for the unexpected things to come. I am excited to try something new; to take it one day at a time. Maybe I will be single for a long time, maybe I will meet the love of my life, maybe I will finally go skydiving, maybe I will travel, maybe I will spend more time writing, maybe I'll learn some more hard lessons. I have no idea. And it is okay. So if you're in a season of uncertainty, maybe ask yourself some hard questions about how you can embrace it and how you can learn from it. I get that sometimes people do not want to make the best out of a bad situation, or that other people's season of uncertainty is much more intense and significant than mine, but think about what you can take away from your specific situation. I'm realizing I don't want to let these opportunities for growth pass me by without me knowing, and then I've missed that chance. I am uncertain, and I am okay. And I hope that for anyone reading this today.